Active acceptance

Acceptance of difficult situations in our lives often seems like giving up—too passive for the “shape your own destiny” culture I grew up in. Isn’t acceptance just doing nothing, letting life happen to you? How would that be helpful?

Over the years as I’ve faced more complex situations, I’m slowly coming to realize not just the necessity but the gift of acceptance in our lives. What does active acceptance look like? I’d argue it is putting feet to our trust in God. It’s part of the tangible difference trusting God makes in our lives.

What do we need to accept?

First, it’s important to consider: What exactly is a “situation”? Many of us have trouble telling the difference between a problem to be solved and a situation to be accepted.1 We have a tendency to see everything as one type or the other. I tend to see everything as a problem to solve—and dive headlong into attempting to solve it. My problem, the problem of someone I care about, the world’s problems…you name it, I’ll try to solve it, at least mentally!

But realistically, not everything is a problem I can solve. Maybe someone else can (or will be able to in the future), or maybe only God can, but for now, the solver is not me. This means I need to move the issue to the “situations to accept” category promptly, not clinging to it in denial long after it would become apparent to any third party that this isn’t my problem to solve. (Just me?)

Some examples of situations to accept:

What is not acceptance?

It’s a bit unfamiliar to some of us to think of acceptance in positive, active terms. There are some elements we might have to remove from our definition. Acceptance is not:

Resignation or apathy. Acceptance isn’t begrudgingly saying, “well, that’s it, I guess I don’t have a choice” or “I don’t even care anymore. Nothing I do matters. This is hopeless.” On the contrary, acceptance signifies a willingness and trust. In his wonderful book Trusting God, Jerry Bridges writes,

Trusting God in the midst of our pain and heartache means that we accept it from Him… We can resign ourselves to a difficult situation, simply because we see no other alternative… Or we can submit to the sovereignty of God in our circumstances with a certain amount of reluctance. But to truly accept our pain and heartache has the connotation of willingness. An attitude of acceptance says that we trust God, that He loves us and knows what is best for us. (p. 95)

Complaining. Complaining about our situation is the opposite attitude of acceptance. It is actively voicing our discontent to others in an unproductive way. Sometimes we complain instead of acting in situations that are indeed our responsibility to resolve, or we complain and blame others about things we have no control over. In neither situation is the complaining helpful to us or to the hearers. In fact, it is an offense to God! When the Israelites complained to their leaders about their experience in the desert, Moses admonished them, “You are not grumbling against us, but against the Lord” (Exodus 16:8).

Failing to take personal responsibility. Although I have more trouble being willing to relinquish what I see as my problem to solve, it’s still important to be careful not to use “acceptance” as an excuse not to act when it is required. One example is my health. While there may be aspects I simply need to accept, there are other areas I can and should invest effort to improve.

But how do we actively accept?

I insisted that acceptance isn’t passive. But it still feels like a bit of an abstract topic. What does it practically look like to actively accept what God has willed in our lives or in the lives of those we love?

Cultivate contentment. Contentment can be cultivated! In Philippians 4:11-13, Paul says, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances…through Christ who strengthens me.”2 We can be content when we trust that God is in control, doing what is best, even in trials (James 1), and that he is enough for us. John Webster writes, “[Contentment] is not a matter of human strength of character; it’s a matter of human weakness transfigured by the astonishing sufficiency of God. Contentment is that exercise of faith in which we accept the sufficiency of God.”3 Practically, we can grow our contentment through expressing gratitude daily, reminding ourselves of God’s promises and his faithfulness in the past, and actively looking for where God is working in the present. We can fill our minds with wholesome things (also Philippians 4).

Don’t waste time on ceaseless striving. As we spend time trying to solve tough problems, we should check in with ourselves every so often by thinking through questions like this: “Am I actually making progress on this? Is there anywhere I’m going in circles? Is there something else I should really be devoting this time and energy to?” I don’t know about you, but when there is a stressful problem in my life, I can easily spend far too many hours researching, talking to others about it, and making lists of potential solutions…only to find that none of that was actually helpful. Instead of coping with stressful situations by ceaselessly striving to claim control, bring the concern to the Lord in prayer—and leave it there!

Adjust your expectations. When we are unhappy about a certain recurring situation, we may end up refusing to accept it because we feel things “shouldn’t be that way.” But if we accept (imperfect) reality, we can adjust our expectations accordingly and change our attitude and behavior. Something I’ve had to accept living in Mexico is that often even with an appointment, there will be a long delay before I’m served. I now expect this, don’t schedule anything else that day, and bring a book! This active acceptance makes my waiting time more pleasant.

Why is acceptance so important?

Not accepting what I should is stressful! — Acceptance brings peace. When I am not actively accepting something I should, I remain in a state of stress, trying to “make things work.” Once I choose to accept what is, I am free. I have access to the “peace that surpasses understanding” (Philippians 4:7) by entrusting the situation to God. I also have more time to attend to other things that are actually within my scope of responsibility!

Not accepting what I should is foolish and dangerous. — Acceptance is safety. If I don’t accept my physical limitations, I could injure myself. If I don’t accept someone else’s decision, I could damage the relationship—and if it comes from an authority, I could hurt others’ relationships, too, with my complaining. If I don’t accept the limitations of my role in a situation in someone else’s life, my intervention could make the problem much worse. There is safety in wisely accepting what I cannot do or change.

Ultimately, refusing to accept situations God has allowed is rebellion against him. — Acceptance opens my mind and heart to how God is working. While I persist in my refusal to accept what God has allowed in my life, my attitude is a barrier in my relationship with him. It declares that I do not trust him; I believe he shouldn’t be Lord of my life (or the world). Until I am willing to repent and accept his will, I won’t be able to see the beauty of the small moments of comfort and insight he has woven into my life in the midst of these trials. Acceptance actually opens my mind and heart to joyfully and curiously look for where God is working!

A lifelong journey

I’m still getting my feet wet in this journey of learning to discern when a situation must simply be accepted, and growing in my willingness to do so. I’ve already been so blessed by the changes I’ve seen in my stress levels when facing challenges! I pray that you, too, would abound in the peace that comes from trusting God not only holds the world, but also every detail of your life with tender care.

“Endurance means accepting from God that which will make us perfect and complete.” 
Sue Eenigenburg & Robynn Bliss 4

1 “Problems, by definition, have solutions. You might not like the cost of the solution, the trade-offs it leads to, or the time and effort it takes, but problems have solutions. On the other hand, situations don’t. Situations are simply things we need to live with.” Seth Godin

2 Philippians 4:13, a famous verse, is often taken out of context! The “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” actually refers to being content in all circumstances.

3 Webster, Confronted by Grace, p. 164. Highly recommend this “devotional” read!

4 Eenigenburg & Bliss, Expectations and Burnout: Women Surviving the Great Commission, Kindle location 1277.